Apropos Taxes

.
.....With targeted taxes we can afford to fund important programs without busting the budget. Below are some suggestions of items which should be taxed, along with an explanation of where the revenue will be used.

Leafy green vegetables -- Purchase of energy offsets for Jack LaLanne's Power Juicer.

Bicycles -- Assist cities with the costs associated with the designation of bike lanes.

Windmills -- Pay for the proper and respectful burial of decapitated migratory birds.

Birkenstocks -- Fund research into more environmentally friendly air fresheners.

Poor people -- Never mind, we already have tobacco taxes.

Condoms -- Offset Medicare costs for the treatment of hemorrhoids.

Opera -- Not necessarily to fund any program. I've just heard taxes can discourage certain types of activity.

Baby seal pelts -- Replacement of trees used in the manufacture of clubs.

Labor unions -- Facilitate the removal of unnatural concrete blocks from the bottom of our waterways.
.

The Problem With Online Matchmaking

.
.

My Brush With Femininity

.
.....It may have been the first time in my life I had stared at frilly women's undergarments without a prurient thought in my mind. I was on a mission, and my cover could not be blown. As I moved on to the nightgown rack, I saw a female store clerk walking straight toward me. I turned quickly and headed out the door. Direct oral communication with anyone would be disastrous. For I had a teenage boy's voice, but was dressed as a teenage girl.

.....One week earlier, my church youth group leader announced we would be participating in a hide-and-seek type of game. Each of several churches in the area would designate five volunteers as "fugitives". Pictures were to be taken of these five as they normally appeared. Wanted posters were then produced and passed out to the other church groups. On the night of the hunt, the fugitives would disguise themselves and try to blend in at Northtown Mall. After two hours of frenzy, the church with the most uncaptured fugitives would be declared the winner.

.....Unfortunately for me, my older sister was quite popular in our youth group. She stood up in front of our peers and proclaimed, "We can disguise my little brother as a girl!" Everyone giggled and nodded with approval. I meekly sat in silence as the group chose four other fugitives; none of whom would be sacrificing their sexual identity.

.....An hour and a half into the game, I had run out of women's stores to peruse. My toes were numb with pain from my black high heels, and my makeup would smear whenever I wiped the sweat from my brow. I was near the edge of tears when I spotted a temptation which called to my soul. Just inside the Sears entryway, was a demonstration Colecovision video game console. Within thirty seconds, my heels were off and I was completely immersed in Donkey Kong. Shortly thereafter, my minutes of bliss were rudely interrupted. Two teenage boys approached and called out, "You're under arrest!"

.....My church would probably end up losing because of my failure, but I could really have cared less. I was tired, and the sleeves of my blouse were cutting into my armpits. All I wanted to do was to find a bathroom and change back into boy's clothes. Too bad for me, there were no unisex bathrooms.
.

For the Children

.

My Nuclear Winter

.
.....It wasn't until I was nine years old when my family finally decided to go see the annual air show at Fairchild Air Force Base. Located west of Spokane, Washington, Fairchild was known for its B-52 bombers, refueling tankers, and one of the world's largest stockpiles of nuclear weapons. A large number of visitors was expected at this year's show due to the first showing of the previously classified SR-71 spy plane.

.....Bright sunshine beat down on the taxiway where dozens of military aircraft stood guard. Visitors were fawning over everything from small training jets to Herculean cargo aircraft. But the star of the show, the SR-71, was tucked away inside an open hanger surrounded by Security Police shouldering M-16's. The S.P.'s had been standing tall and still, until it appears they received a call over their radios. One of them pointed toward the West. Out on the horizon was sliver of deep black, highlighted by a purple edge.

.....Hours earlier, Mt. St Helens had erupted in a fury. The ominous cloud of ash was slowly devouring our vast blue sky. Security Police were scurrying about the flightline as uniformed servicemen began attending to various aircraft. A pickup with a loudspeaker drove past, calling out, "The airshow has been cancelled, please leave the base in an orderly fashion!" As we started our long walk to the parking area, aircraft began firing up their engines. Security Police waved for us to move to the side of the flightline, as an F-15 fighter started taxiing between the groups of civilians. I covered my ears as the fighter rolled past with its twin rear engines in a fiery glow. The F-15, and others, eventually flew out to other air bases, but most of the aircraft were towed to hangers.

.....By the time we reached our car, the ash cloud had enveloped half the sky. I overheard a man instructing his wife, "The radio says we should not breathe in the ash when it arrives." In the forty-five minutes it took to leave the parking area, the small ash particles had begun falling as the blackness swallowed the sun in a quickly shrinking pinpoint of violet. The drive home was slow and quiet except for a comment by my father about the air filter on the car. Despite the obvious concern on my parents' faces, I was thoroughly excited about the whole affair.

.....Shortly after arriving home, the darkness gradually turned into a light grey, and I could see that a quarter of an inch of ash covered everything in sight. My dad said, "I guess this is what it would look like during a nuclear winter."

.....Ash clean-up turned out to be a daunting affair. For a couple hours each day, we would strap on our dust masks and sweep up ash. No sooner would we finish brushing off the car and clearing the sidewalk, when a wind gust would come up and blow ash everywhere. It was worth the effort, though, since I learned we would get an entire week off from school.

.....I have returned to the airshow many times since my childhood. For some reason, it does not seem quite as exciting anymore.
.

Are Britney Spears and Barack Obama the Same Person?

.

Have you ever seen Barack Obama and Britney Spears together in the same room? Did you know Britney and Barack are both sensitive about the size of their ears? I believe these two may actually be the same individual. Let us compare:



Britney -- is a huge celebrity

Barack -- is a huge celebrity



Britney -- smokes cigarettes

Barack -- smokes cigarettes



Britney -- born in America

Barack -- born in America*



Britney -- excessive spender

Barack -- excessive spender



Britney -- Mickey Mouse Club

Barack -- His Cabinet



Britney -- had her hair shaved with clippers

Barack -- has his hair shaved with clippers



Britney -- abused illicit substances and sought treatment

Barack -- abused illicit substances



Britney -- loves to show off her chest

Barack -- loves to show off his chest



Britney -- socialite

Barack -- Socialist

.