Saturday, April 11, 2009
Thursday, April 9, 2009
How to Fillet a Bottlenose Dolphin
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....I recently noticed that most grocery stores do not stock bottlenose dolphin (or bodo) meat. For those who still wish to eat bodomeat, I have developed this ecologically friendly guide to catching and filleting dolphins.
.....First, you must go to your local marine supply store and purchase a tuna net. Then, sail your boat to a warm location on the ocean. You will find bigger and less fatty bottlenose in the warmest of waters. Cast your net and read Al Gore's latest book while you wait for your superintelligent quarry to hopelessly entangle itself. After bringing in your net, you may notice several tuna have also been accidentally caught. Carefully and gently remove the tuna and place them back in the water.
.....Once you have hauled it into your boat, speak kind words to your dolphin. This will keep it relaxed. Also, place wet towels over the dolphin's body to keep it comfortable, alive, and fresh. You will need to procure a reciprocating saw once you reach dry land. Head removal will be the first task. Be sure to cut quickly so that the bottlenose does not suffer, and so you won't have to put up with the annoying "eee eee eee eee!"
.....You should not waste a single piece of your dolphin. Save the head so it can be mounted and hung on your dining room wall. Cut the belly side of the bottlenose, and place all the innards inside a Hefty bag. These should be donated to your local Humane Society to feed the cats and dogs. Remember to help the environment by reusing the same bag on future fishing trips. The bones, skin, flippers and tail can all be utilized by local homeless people in the building of shelters. Cut the remaining bodo meat into 1/2 inch thick fillets.
.....Bodo meat may be cooked in many different ways. I prefer to pan fry it in hot oil, season to taste, and serve with a smooth white wine. For those who have never eaten bottlenose dolphin, most people say it tastes like spotted owl, but is much more filling.
.....
....I recently noticed that most grocery stores do not stock bottlenose dolphin (or bodo) meat. For those who still wish to eat bodomeat, I have developed this ecologically friendly guide to catching and filleting dolphins.
.....First, you must go to your local marine supply store and purchase a tuna net. Then, sail your boat to a warm location on the ocean. You will find bigger and less fatty bottlenose in the warmest of waters. Cast your net and read Al Gore's latest book while you wait for your superintelligent quarry to hopelessly entangle itself. After bringing in your net, you may notice several tuna have also been accidentally caught. Carefully and gently remove the tuna and place them back in the water.
.....Once you have hauled it into your boat, speak kind words to your dolphin. This will keep it relaxed. Also, place wet towels over the dolphin's body to keep it comfortable, alive, and fresh. You will need to procure a reciprocating saw once you reach dry land. Head removal will be the first task. Be sure to cut quickly so that the bottlenose does not suffer, and so you won't have to put up with the annoying "eee eee eee eee!"
.....You should not waste a single piece of your dolphin. Save the head so it can be mounted and hung on your dining room wall. Cut the belly side of the bottlenose, and place all the innards inside a Hefty bag. These should be donated to your local Humane Society to feed the cats and dogs. Remember to help the environment by reusing the same bag on future fishing trips. The bones, skin, flippers and tail can all be utilized by local homeless people in the building of shelters. Cut the remaining bodo meat into 1/2 inch thick fillets.
.....Bodo meat may be cooked in many different ways. I prefer to pan fry it in hot oil, season to taste, and serve with a smooth white wine. For those who have never eaten bottlenose dolphin, most people say it tastes like spotted owl, but is much more filling.
.....
Wednesday, April 8, 2009
Monday, April 6, 2009
Bipolar Bucket List
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This is a list of things to do before I kick the bucket.
1. Bungee jump without a cord.
2. Hike nude to the top of Mt. Everest.
3. Swim in an active volcano.
4. Vacation at a Somali resort.
5. Take an exploratory walkabout at Area 51.
6. Flip the bird to a group of Crips gang members.
7. Draw cartoons of major religious figures.
8. Skydive over the lush forests of Burma.
9. Ride a bull named Horny Hank.
10. Donate my vital organs.
.
This is a list of things to do before I kick the bucket.
1. Bungee jump without a cord.
2. Hike nude to the top of Mt. Everest.
3. Swim in an active volcano.
4. Vacation at a Somali resort.
5. Take an exploratory walkabout at Area 51.
6. Flip the bird to a group of Crips gang members.
7. Draw cartoons of major religious figures.
8. Skydive over the lush forests of Burma.
9. Ride a bull named Horny Hank.
10. Donate my vital organs.
.
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